is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
