Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
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