You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
