"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
When are your genitals available?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
