i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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