There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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