I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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