Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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