Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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