I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
