hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She even gives head with a lisp.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
