What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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