ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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