Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
