My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Randomize
