I want to walk on stilts...naked
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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