I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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