And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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