I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
