i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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