I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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