she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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