areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
