Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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