I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
