Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
