bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Can I color on your dick again?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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