Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
