They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
