You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
