I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
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