end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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