Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
