OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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