nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
This baby is an asshole
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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