You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
