just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
