i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
