Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
