dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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