I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
