I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
