We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
