i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
