when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
