I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
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