she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
