I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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