I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Randomize
