Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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